Silent Tears

The tears that soak my pillow at night, or mix with the water in the shower, or the ones that roll down my cheeks when I’m driving or suddenly spring from my eyes when I’m sitting at work; those are the silent tears.

I don’t want to care. 

I don’t want to feel.

I don’t want to ache.

I don’t want to cry.

I try so hard not to care, not to feel, not to ache, not to cry – ever.  Crying only makes it hurt more. And there is never a hug, never a shoulder offered, never a pat on the back.  There is just………. nothing.  Nothing but silence.  I wish feeling like nothing to them wouldn’t hurt.  It would be so much easier. 

I don’t know what else to do, what else to say, what else to give.  I walk on the eggshells that I placed in my own path. I punish myself more than any God or person ever could for my failings and my sins. 

I continue to give all of me away to them and they don’t even realize it. I wish they knew how hard I try, how fucking hard I try  

I feel the rage in me. It scares me. The rage is worse after the silent tears. It screams to be released.  It claws at my throat. I push it down.  I am scared what will happen if it gets out.  I’m scared for me. I’m scared for them. 

I will continue to cry my silent tears, but what happens when there are no more tears to cry?

Tornado Warning

There is a tornado warning today.

I want to find that tornado.

I want to run to that tornado and jump in head first.

I want to flail and rage and scream and cry while the winds whip around me. Let it do what it will to me.

I need to feel battered and bruised. I yearn for the physical pain to match the emotional pain.

I want to dance against the vortex until there is nothing left in me.

Let me float lifelessly in the fatal winds.

As the winds tire from carrying me, let it toss me into the calm, lifeless center.

Will there be peace there? Can I rest there forever? Can I live there forever?

I am my own tornado.

I will not let you see my vortex or feel my vortex. That is only for me to feel.

I created the turbulence I live in every day. Me. I did that. I own that. That is my burden to bare.

You will live in my calm lifeless center where you will feel safe. Where I can convince you and the world that all is well.

There is a tornado warning today.

I am that tornado.

Random shower thoughts

Before I started my morning routine, I had a chance to listen to the local weather forecast.  It is cold today and there is even a slight chance of snow flurries. 

For some reason, my pea brain got stuck thinking about snow.  In the area I live, it typically snows during the winter season.  Last year there wasn’t a significant snowfall and it sucked.  I like snow.  I don’t need 6 feet of it, but I think snow is beautiful and I find it calming for some reason.  There is a skylight in my bedroom, which I never really liked.  It does let in natural light, but it also lets in heat, cold and noise.  When there is a decent snowfall and the skylight is blanked in snow, it muffles the outside noises.  I feel like I am safe and cocooned from the outside.  It never lasts long, but I love it and look forward to it each winter. 

As I was showering, my mind wandered to the thought of snow and how beautiful it really is.  Each snowflake is unique and falls to the ground, joining millions of other snowflakes to create a brilliant blanket of snow.  In the first hours of a snowfall, the snow is clean, bright, and beautiful.  Depending on what the snow fall covers, flaws and imperfections are hidden.  Or the snowfall could amplify the blemishes in the landscape around us, especially as it melts and gets dirty.

And this resonated with me, as a person.  Each day, I have the option of being like the snowfall.  I can choose to blanket those around me and those I love and care about; to make them feel cocooned in my love and surround them with beauty and light.  Or I can choose to let outside entities impact my beauty and light.  I can choose to let the negative comments of others melt away my blanket of snow and reveal the blemishes and flaws that may impact those I love and care about. 

I want to challenge myself to choose beauty and light each day. 

Anyway, that was my random shower thought for today.

So Many Mirrors

As I was getting ready for work this morning, I was going through my normal morning routine.  I always check the back of my hair to make sure everything is under control.  To do this, I stand with my back towards the hanging mirror and use a handheld mirror to see my reflection.  How many times have I done this?  Thousands?  And today I wanted to smash the mirror, or cry, or maybe sulk back to bed.  Why would I want to do that?  It was the reflection I saw.  The reflection I have seen thousands of times and try to ignore every single time.  I saw the rolls, the love handles, the bra fat, the dimples – the grossness of it all.  It makes me sad to think of where I once was and where I am now.  I hate mirrors.  They reflect all the things I don’t want to see.

I was with my girl child last night and realized she is another kind of mirror for me.  As I am listening to her talk about her life and where she is, how she feels stuck in her relationship, powerless, afraid to make a change; I realize I am and have been reflecting so much of me onto her.  And that is so wrong.  All I want is for her to break free and live.  And I tell her that.  She hears me, but she also sees me.  She watches me doing the opposite of what I tell her.  How confusing that must be.  How completely wrong of me to reflect that onto her.

Over the weekend I was at a local water hole.  A place where I feel safe, accepted.  Something happened that shocked me and made me question me, again.  A man who I have known for years and see and talk to regularly felt it was okay to kiss me, on the lips – twice.  He was probably over the legal limit, but still.  And he waited until the person I was with, my husband, was not able to witness his actions.  Why?  Why did he think it was okay to do that?  I found myself analyzing everything I said, did and even what I was wearing.  I don’t feel like his actions were flattering. It’s degrading to say the least.  What was I reflecting to this person to make this happen?

And now, days later, it still bothers me.  And as I am typing this, I look at my hands.  I don’t remember when we stopped wearing wedding bands, but it’s been a long time.  Long enough that the indent my wedding band made is almost completely invisible.  Who else sees it?  Who else sees that we aren’t wearing our wedding bands?  Has the “kisser” noticed this?  Do the kids notice? And what does it mean, exactly?  I have so many unanswered questions about us. 

I feel like I am in a house of mirrors.  But I’m walking with my head down, so I don’t see my horrible reflection, and I just keep banging my head on mirrors trying to find a way out.  When I do look up, I never know what reflection I will see staring back at me.  Will it be the happy pretend face, the I don’t give a fuck face, the I’m exhausted face, the save me face? 

So many mirrors

So many reflections of nothing

Permission

I called my baby girl on my way home from work yesterday.  Actually, I was on my way to my therapy appointment.  She hadn’t been interacting with me like she typically does, and I hadn’t laid eyes on her in over a month.  I can always tell, sense, feel, when my girl is struggling. 

She was weepy as soon as we started to chat.  I asked her how she was, and she said she was alive and doing the best she can.  I told her I didn’t like the way that sounded, and I can tell she is starting to spiral into her darkness.  She unloaded some of what was bothering her. 

  • Working like a motherfucker and she still can’t get ahead
  • Barely being able to pay her bills and keep food on the table
  • Doing everything for drippy dick and getting nothing but criticism
  • Being responsible for everything in the apartment
  • Knowing she needs to leave him, but not knowing how to do it
  • Wanting to leave him, but not knowing if she can
  • Knowing leaving him will take her years to get over and he will find someone new in about a week
  • Feeling like the black sheep of the family
  • Feeling like she embarrasses the family
  • Staying away from family because it’s just easier

I interjected as she spoke.  Trying to encourage her to get therapy, to have someone else to talk to and bounce things off.  I told her to remember that relationships are two sided.  Everyone is equal. 

And then I stopped talking.  I realized that I had inadvertently created a mini me.  My girl watched me for 18 years.  She watched me being the problem solver.  She watched me cleaning, cooking, doing wash.  She watched me handle a full-time job, kids, activities, family.  She rarely heard me complain, rarely saw me cry and almost never saw me and her dad fight.  I let my daughter grow up to be a pleaser, just like me.  I let my daughter feel she needed to take on the weight of the world because that’s what she thought she was supposed to do.  I let my daughter grow up thinking she was responsible for everyone else’s happiness.  I let my daughter grow up thinking the woman handled her shit, the house shit, and everyone else’s shit without complaining or thinking twice about it. 

Wow.  That’s fucked up.  Seriously fucked up.  I did my girl a huge disservice and I hate it.  I apologized to her yesterday.  I wish I could make it up to her in some way.  I did tell her that relationships need to be a give and take.  No one person should be responsible for the majority of what needs to be done.  It’s a partnership.  Communication is key. 

How can I give my girl advice when I showed her how to survive in a dysfunctional relationship.  I gave her all the tools to play pretend so anyone looking in sees nothing, senses nothing.  I showed her to just keep smiling and doing what everyone expects of you.  It’s easier that way. 

I am so sorry, baby girl.  Your mom is trying.  She is trying to stand on her own two feet, to stop asking for permission to be happy, to stop looking for acceptance in the way she wants to live her life and to just do it.  She will hopefully show you how to run full speed at your dreams no matter what your age.  She will show you that she doubts herself, that she is scared to fail and be the butt of family jokes.  But I think she is going to do it anyway. 

Stay tuned, baby girl.

My apartment

From my office window I have a pretty fantastic view of the city I work in.  It’s a romanticized view from my third-floor window.  It’s a nice part of the city.  Lots of small shops, restaurants, etc.  Catty-corner from me is a building I look at quite a bit.  It is a three-story brick building.  Painted a deep red.  The first floor is commercial and I’m guessing the second and third floor are apartments. 

I want to live on the third floor of the building.  There are big, old windows looking over the city.  I stare at the third-floor windows.  Today, the white curtains are closed.  I wonder what is behind those curtains.  What does the apartment look like?  Is it as glorious as I imagine it to be? 

Could I live alone? Alone in the city?  What would that be like?  Would I actually like myself? I feel like I have allowed so many others in my life to define me; to define my importance.  What am I if I am not needed?  Am I still important?  Am I still relevant to my family and friends if I am not actively doing something for them?  Will I be forgotten?  What do I become? 

Am I then just a lonely, sad, middle-aged woman with nothing?  Maybe?  I would be able to paint and write.  I would come and go as I pleased.  Where would I even go?  Would I have the courage to walk into different places alone?  Sit down and eat alone?  Try and meet new people alone? That is a terrifying thought.  

How alone would alone be?  How would I redefine who I am when I have always been something to someone?  Could I find a new purpose for my life?  Isn’t it a bit late to try and figure out who I want to be or who I actually am?  I wonder who I would lose along the way?  Is this my mid-life crisis?  Why am I questioning so much about my life?  What the hell is wrong with me? 

The curtains just opened.  I wonder what’s next for whoever lives in my apartment.

Insert Mr. Yuck Face here

I feel so grossdisgustingfatwalruslikecelluliteriddenflabbyslobishwhalelikesasquatches person that ever walked the face of the planet.  My face feels puffy and blotchy and hairy.  I am not happy with how my hair looks.  My eye lashes are wonky and need attention.  My clothing feels tight and vice like.  I just want to scream UGH as loud as possible with my head thrown back and tears spurting from my eyes. Maybe snot running out of my nose and some drool leaking from the side of my mouth, just to get the proper reaction out of anyone that happens to be paying attention to me. 

Why the hell do I still get out of the shower and stay naked to dry my hair and do my morning routine?  Brushing your teeth naked is not attractive, at least not from my vantage point.  Why do I want to feel the swaying of saggy boobs, bat wing arms flapping and slapping against my sides.  And one thing I do NOT want to do is look at my naked profile.  Holy fuck.  Is that ever a nasty thing to behold?!  How, why did I get back to this point?  GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD. 

I started listening to a podcast that I am in love with.  It’s not overdone on the positivity and has just enough real-life stories from the host and guests to keep topics relatable.  I want to try to speak positively about myself to myself.  I just can’t.  I have tried and it feels like a lie. I step on the scale and congratulate myself on being a fat ass and a complete disappointment to myself and people that care about me.  And who would EVER want to see this beast of a body on top or under them?  There is NOTHING even close to being physically exciting about me.  Nothing.  I should have a warning label, “Must watch porn before entering” or maybe “Close your eyes, it will be over soon if you are lucky”.  I could probably have the entire Encyclopedia Brittanica inscribed on my body and still have room for War and Peace. 

The podcast also suggests high fiving yourself in the mirror at some point during your morning routine.  A high five is perceived as a positive action and doing so to yourself in the mirror will make you feel better.  You are just supposed to start with the high five until it becomes part of your routine and after it does think of or say something positive about yourself.  I can’t even get the high five part done without mentally slamming myself. 

I think that’s all for now……….

Dream with me…

I think it was yesterday morning while I was in the shower a song came on that immediately brought a bright, beautiful visual bursting in my head.  Take My Breath Away was the song.  Everyone should know that is from the original Top Gun movie.  And everyone should picture Maverick and Charlie in a dimly lit room, white curtains floating on the breeze coming through the open windows.  You can feel the need, the want, the desire………….sigh. 

I don’t care what you say, if you are or ever have been in an intimate relationship – you want to feel that way.  To feel lost in the moment, to feel the love, the passion, the desire from the person standing so close to you.  To feel the jolt of electricity when their hand lightly brushes your cheek.  To feel their breath on your cheek before your lips meet.  The light, tender brush of their lips on yours………….sigh.

The beautiful feeling of butterflies fluttering in your belly.  You are ready to be open, exposed, and real with the other person.  There is no thought of being embarrassed or ashamed of who you are or what you are.  You feel free and light and effervescent………….sigh.

And of course, me being me, this makes me analyze everything.  I am not so vain or careless to compare my life and life experiences to something that is in a movie.  But don’t we all deserve that?  Our own little piece of feeling all those feels.  A time to forget about all the problems we shoulder.  A respite from sadness and guilt.  To just let go, feel love, give love, be love.  Savoring every touch, memorizing every touch.  Being so present in the moment that everything else fades away…………sigh. 

This is the shit that gets my mind and heart in trouble……….sigh.