The what if’s are winning

What if…

…the world never returns to being normally fucked up and stays super fucked up

…I fail at my new adventure

…I fall on my face and hear all naysayers chanting I told you so

…I am confusing love for pity or pity for love

….I miss out on something amazing because I am scared

…the truth really does set you free

…I stop hearing the music

…my fears come true

…I actually succeed

…I stop feeling the music

…I find independence and like it

…it’s really better to walk away

…it’s not

…the music stops healing me

…I never get my what if’s answered

I want my fucking fairytale

Yes, I want my fucking fairytale. I want my happily ever after. If I remember correctly; there is typically a beautiful (okay, I’m not beautiful) young woman (I’m also not young) whose life has taken a turn for the worse (I have plenty of fucking turns for the worse). The beautiful young woman has to endure her pitiful life for a few pages and then, low and behold, things start looking up. She has apparently paid her dues, followed the rules, kissed the frog and poof – happily ever after.

Hell, everyone knows or at least should know, the movie Pretty Woman. Vivian is a down on her luck “escort”, Edward happens to be having a car problem in Vivian’s area and Vivian is more than happy to help Edward. They have their ups and downs. Vivian dealt with the ignorance of society, Edward dealt with the stigma of falling in love with an “escort”. In the end, their love saved them both. It might not have been castle tower or a white steed, but I’ll take a fire escape and a white limo with my prince any day!

I might be a bit jaded after seeing 50 years of what the world has to offer and the bullshit that comes with it. But I think if I want my fairytale and my happily ever after, I will have to be the one to make it come true. The only person that is going to rescue me from the fire escape of life is me. That might be what I have been doing wrong this entire time. I have been hoping, praying and waiting for my prince to rescue me and whisk me away, but maybe I have to rescue myself.

Tired

I am tired

I am tired of fighting for happiness

I am tired of fighting for love

I am tired of feeling useless

I am tired of feeling worthless

I am tired of giving my all to others

I am tired of playing pretend

I am tired; mind, body and soul

I am tired of feeling out of control

I am tired of my spinning world

I am tired of living the lies every day

I am just tired

Losing it, lost it, gone

We all have days where we try to convince ourselves that we are okay. We got it all under control, right? I think it’s part of self-preservation. I know if I didn’t pretend everything is A-OK, I would have been committed by now.

My question is, when is it time to stop pretending? When is it acceptable to stop pretending? My game face is tired. My mind is tired. My body is tired. I am contemplating taking a weekend getaway, just for me. Just to see what it is like to be alone and not responsible for anyone but me. I can’t remember a time when I did anything like that. Is that sad? I wouldn’t even know where to go or what to do. Would I just sleep, read, watch TV? I have no clue. Could I actually be alone for an entire 48 hours? Maybe I’m afraid of what I would discover about myself. What if I like the alone time? What if I realize what is supposed to make me happy doesn’t? Then what? I create a brand new hell for myself to live with day in and day out.

The girl child plays heavily into my daily struggles. At the end of last week I felt like I had finally come to terms with what I needed to do. I wrote my girl a list of expectations. Things that needed to change if she was going to continue living in my house and what I would and would not do for her if she chose to move out. I am giving her a two week period to make changes. I don’t know when I will give it to her. I assume there will be yelling and screaming and tears. And of course this weekend my girl was actually…..sweet, nice, helpful. She is also at the beginning stages of a manic episode. I guess there really isn’t a right time, I’m hoping I will know when it’s time. And I hope I will be able to live with the repercussions.

Maybe I’m just going through a mid-life crisis. Maybe I’m a wreck because I’m going through menopause, which I have no actual symptoms of. Maybe I’m at a point where I just keep on pretending because it’s too late for a change. It’s too late to figure out what I want and what I don’t want. It’s too late to stop pretending. Time to put the game face back on. Time to keep pretending.

Nighttime thoughts

A few years ago I read an article about sleep. It had some tips/tricks to try when you can’t fall asleep. There is only one thing I remember and actually use from that article. When you are nice and comfy in bed, close your eyes and starting at the tip top of your head tell your body to relax. You work your way down, forehead, eyebrows, eyes, nose, all the way down to your feet. It really does work. Sometimes I have to do it a few times, but I eventually feel my body relax.

Last night as I was on my third or fourth round of trying to relax my body when my brain interrupted. I was starting at the top of my head and my brain clicked on. Suddenly, instead of relaxing each part of my body I was critiquing each part of my body.

Top of my head/hair – thinning hair/gray hair. Solution: get plugs and weekly trips to the salon.

Forehead – wrinkles. Solution: Botox

Eyebrows – I’m actually good with my brows

Eyes – droopy lashes & crows feet. Solution: eyelash extensions and Botox

Nose – no change needed, in my opinion

Cheeks – starting to sag. Solution: facelift (this will also help the jowls, so it’s two for two!)

Lip – I’m OK with my lips at this point. Maybe a little Botox in the laugh line area.

Chin – eh, the chin is fine.

Neck – Christ, where do I start. Just a total do-over. That shit needs to be tightened and pulled where ever possible.

Shoulders – significant slouching from years of carrying a heavy load. Solution: there is no solution, the heavy load will be with me for the rest of my life. Besides, if I throw my shoulders back it looks like I’m flaunty my saggy boobs.

Upper arms – flabby and gross. Solution: a nice nip/tuck will fix that up in a jiffy.

Boobs – similar to two unevenly deflated balloons. Solution: new boobs – easy peasy

Forearms – I mean they’re just forearms…….

Hands – look old and wrinkled. Solution: I think I can get fat injected in my hands so they look young and plump.

Mid-section – (insert vomit noise) Solution: nothing a little lipo and full body tuck wouldn’t fix.

Buttock – (insert second vomit noise) Solution: the full body tuck should help my saggy bottom, but maybe a Brazilian Butt lift for the win!

Lady bits – ummmmm, I mean yes, they have been through years of use and childbirth. Solution: fairly certain there is a vaginal tightening process as well as a procedure to make everything look “aesthetically pleasing”. I might as well go for it.

Thighs – I will say I have strong legs, however would kill for that oh so sexy thigh gap. Solution: I think some lipo and an inner thigh lift should do nicely.

Calves – I’m honestly OK with my calves.

Feet – I like my feet.

So, after all that I couldn’t sleep. I had laid out all my flaws and had no fixes for them. I reminded myself of all my insecurities. There they were playing over and over again in my head. Why? Why do I do this to myself? I have no answer.

When it was finally time to get out of bed and start the day, part of my routine is music. I LOVE MUSIC. Morning shower music is the best. As I’m standing under the hot water, thoughts still swirling from the night before, a song comes on that made me go hmmmmmmmmmm. Is it a coincidence or is the universe trying to tell me something. What song was it you ask…..Love me by Katy Perry

I lost myself in fear of losing you
I wish I didn’t do
But I did
I lost my own, my own identity
Forgot that you picked me for me

But now, I don’t negotiate with insecurities
They always seem to get the best of me
I found the head to love myself, the way I want you to

Love me, no more second guessing
No, there’s no more questioning
I’ll be the one to find who I’m gonna be
No concealing feelings, or changing seasonally
I’m gonna love myself, the way I want you to love me
Sometimes I wish my skin was a costume

That I could just unzip, and strip
But who I am is who I’m meant to be
And it’s who you are in love, in love with
So now, I don’t negotiate with insecurities

They come and have to take a backseat
I know I have to let myself the way I want you to
Love me, no more second guessing

No, there’s no more questioning
I’ll be the one to find who I’m gonna be
No concealing feelings, or changing seasonally
I’m gonna love myself, the way I want you to love me
No more standing in my own way
(Let’s get deeper, let’s get closer)

No more standing in my own way
(I want you to love me)
No more standing in my own way
(Let’s get deeper, let’s get closer)
No more standing in my own way
(I want you to love me)
Love me, no more second guessing
No, there’s no more questioning

I’ll be the one to find who I’m gonna be
No concealing feelings, or changing seasonally
I’m gonna love myself, the way I want you to love me
Love me, no more second guessing
No, there’s no more questioning
I’ll be the one to find who I’m gonna be
No concealing feelings, or changing seasonally
I’m gonna love myself, the way I want you to love me

Moral of the song? I’m gonna love myself, the way I want you to love me. At least I’m gonna try.

Emotions

Yesterday was a wonderful day, emotional, but wonderful. It involved deep conversations. Conversations that resonate for a long time. Conversations that make you question everything.

For some reason I felt the need to make a fire in the fire pit last night. I needed the warmth, even though it wasn’t cold. I wanted the warmth to surround me, to comfort me. I needed the warmth to surround me, to comfort me. I love watching the flames dance and swirl. At times it mesmerizes me and my mind is blank. I especially enjoy those times. There are times where my mind dances and swirls like the flames. My thoughts race between good and bad. That was last night.

Staring into the fire, the embers glowing, inviting me to reach out and feel their warmth. I know they dangerous, they would burn me. What would they burn? Would the embers and flames burn away my shell, my outer layer? Would it burn away my armor that keeps me safe? Would it burn away the fake smile? Would it burn away the lies I tell myself each day? What would be left of me? I don’t know what would be left. That is a terrifying thought. Standing naked and raw before a mirror – would what I see? What would I feel? Would I be glowing like the ember?

I surrender

I surrender to all the feelings that I can’t show; to the love that is lost and will never be found. I surrender.

I surrender to being almost happy; to almost being whole. I surrender

I surrender my heart; because only pain and anguish come from from the heart. I surrender.

I surrender to the pain; which I need to remind me to keep pushing each day. I surrender.

I surrender to the music; the lyrics will guide me and keep me safe. I surrender.

I surrender to the unknown; because I need the unknown to continue. I surrender.

I surrender to the darkness; because I can hide in the darkness. I surrender.

I surrender my spirit; no matter how broken and tattered – it is still mine. I surrender.

I surrender my soul.

I surrender.

care

I didn’t want to get out of the shower this morning. I needed the warmth, the sound of the water. I needed the water to wash away my tears. This morning I kept asking myself why I care so much. Why do I care what others think? I was raised to be a “care-er”. It mattered what other people thought, it mattered what other people saw, it mattered what other people perceived to be real or the truth. I AM FUCKING TIRED OF CARING WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK.

I am also a “care-er” in the sense that I feel it is my responsibility and my mission in life to make others happy. To do all I can to show them I love them. At times that is at my own expense; sometimes emotionally/mentally and sometimes physically. And when I can’t take care of everyone, I feel like a failure. Why? Because that’s what I was raised around. Always being the pleaser, no matter at what expense.

Being a “care-er” has mad me a master of disguise. I disguise my sadness so others don’t feel it. I disguise my unhappiness so I don’t hurt others. I disguise my true self so others don’t feel uncomfortable. Why?

If I stop caring, who will? Who will care about everything? Who will care about me?