Reality

This is my daily reality. My beautiful girl child has Borderline Personality Disorder. This is what it looks like.

Self harm and this was a mild one

It’s 2020. People dealing with mental health issues are not getting the proper help. I can’t help my own child. It is devastating. It is sad. It is scary.

Just a typical Saturday

Just another typical Saturday. I have the timer on my phone set so I can get the towels hung up on the wash-line as soon as they are finished. The sheets and blankets are already out and drying. Who doesn’t love the smell of sheets and towels that have been hanging outside for hours?

Just another typical Saturday. The sound of the neighborhood is the background noise. Lawn mowers, power washers (shit, I have to remember to get the power washer from my parents – note to self), darks barking, and kids laughing.

Just another typical Saturday. My girl child told me yesterday she doesn’t have the fight to live anymore. She wants to give back the life I gave her. She doesn’t want it. She is tired, so very tired of fighting. She is so very tired of pretending everyday is just another typical day.

I can’t explain what that does to me. She is sitting in front of me baring her soul to me. Telling me her truest feelings and emotions. And all I can do is sit and listen. We talk about options. The only real option is signing herself into the hospital, again. She decided to call her current therapist and talk to her about what some options might be or what the therapist might suggest. She called, the office is closed on Friday due to COVID-19. She doesn’t get a call back . We talk about the hospital still being an option or if she feels she will be safe at home, wait until Monday and see what the therapist has to say. We are open and honest with each other in the fact that if she goes into the hospital on a Friday night, nothing will be done or put into motion until Monday morning anyway. However, my concern is will she be safe. She told me she doesn’t have a plan to end her life and doesn’t feel like she will do anything stupid right now – but she feels it is coming to that. She admitted she is pushing us away because it would make it easier for her to leave. She wouldn’t feel as guilty if she didn’t think we cared or if she pushed hard enough for us to give up on her.

My girl feels lost and hopeless. I feel lost and hopeless. She told me the only reason she is still alive is because of me and her dad and her niece. She is not alive for herself. Wow. Think about that. Seriously, think about that. Not having anything within your self or joy in your life. Remember, as you begin to judge her – she is fighting an invisible monster NO ONE can see, NO ONE can feel, NO ONE can imagine fighting. This is not a phase, this is not a “get over it” kind of situation. This is real. It is very, very real.

Am I being selfish with my girls life? Of course I don’t want her to end her life and not be in my world. But how much can one person take? How much can one person fight? When is it enough?

My timer went off.

Just a typical Saturday.

blah (or this could be titled me #2)

Blah – pretty much explains how I am currently feeling with life itself. I imagine lots of people are feeling this way. Life as we know it has been changed. Will it be an indefinite change? We don’t know. I’m not sure if it’s the current “mood” of the virus situation or it’s just me being me, but I have definitely been doing quite a bit of thinking. Some days that is good, some days that is bad.

I have finally accepted that my daily work is doing nothing for my personal self. I am not being enhanced or enriched. I am not challenging myself, I am not learning new things. I am being paid too much to do what I do. I am not giving back, I am not making a difference. I will never move up the ladder because there is no ladder and if there was a ladder I would be trying desperately not to fall off the bottom rung into a big pile of shit. Technology changes and other upgrades have basically made my job obsolete. That’s a hard fact to swallow. It makes me sad and depressed to think I have wasted 30 years of my life. Things have happened in my work place over the last 30 years that have changed me, deeply changed me. I never truly admitted how much they affected me until recently. That pisses me off. I allowed these events to make me feel worthless and hopeless. I allowed them to change me and my view of myself. I still don’t know what I need to do to change that. I don’t know if I have the courage, strength and resolve to fight for myself and what is right. I do know that before I can move forward, I have to figure this out. I’m just not sure how to do that.

My husband, my love, my everything. I can’t explain the feeling watching him interact with our grand-baby. It is beautiful. He is so completely in love with our little bug. I can’t wait for October when our next grand-baby joins the family. Unfortunately, I feel like I am pushing my love away and I don’t want to do that. Without him I would be lost. He grounds me, he makes me whole. I have once again retreated into my shell. I know when this is happening, and I just can’t stop myself. I hate it. I think about him more than he can imagine. I miss him more than I can describe. I miss us. He knows when it’s happening, he sees it and feels it. He does all he can to pull me back to him.

I think I have to stop now. This has made my mind tired and sad.

A ray of hope – squashed

There was an approximate 24 hour period where we thought we had our girl back home and away from drippy dick. It was a ray of hope that faded all to quickly.

On Thursday, 1/2/20, I heard from my girl for the first time since New Years Eve. On New Years Eve she sent me a message letting me know drippy was driving her home so she could shower. She arrived around 9pm, came in the front door, straight up the steps and into the bathroom. No hi, no nothing. When she was finished showering and what not, she came down the steps and went directly out the front door. No goodbye, no nothing. She jumped in drippy’s car and was gone. When I messaged asking what the deal was I simply got a “I’m sorry” as a response.

Anyway, back to Thursday. Thursday was back to work for my husband and I after the holiday. I had been very reluctant to message my girl since I had no idea when drippy would be reading and/or responding to me or what influence he was having over her responding to me. Even though the year is now 2020, I still do not have cell service at work. I have an iphone and can receive texts from other iphone’s, but nothing else. That is why I always relied on Facebook Messenger to communicate with my girl when I am working. Around 1pm I got a message from my girl asking me if I would get her an Uber to get home. She was with drippy. I asked few questions and realized they were having another fight and she needed to get out of the situation. This was our biggest fear in taking her car. She is 45-60 minutes away and has no way to get away if she needs to. I ordered the Uber and was glad it was only 5 minutes away from her. Yes, she now had to give me the address of drippy, at lease I am assuming they were at drippy’s house. I tell her it’s on the way and get a message saying I should cancel it and she would “figure it out on her own”. I replied it was too late the Uber was coming and she needed to come home. The Uber drive sent me a message and said he would be picking her up at a nearby intersection, I relayed the information to my girl via message. She responded she didn’t know where it was and then another message comes in from her that reads “lmfaooooooo”. I was very confused. And then I realized drippy was reading and sending messages on her account. I called her just as the Uber was getting to her. Again, she was crying and distraught. I made sure she was in the car and on the way home and hung up. The next message that came in was “fuck you both”, which was sent by drippy. A few minutes later another message came in saying “I’m done you guys win”. I had no idea who sent that and what is was referring to. I stood by a window to send my girl a text and find out if she sent it and what was going on. She told me he sent it and that they were done. She made it home safely and told me she was going to shower and would see me when I got home from work.

Of course the remainder of the work day seemed to drag by and all I could wonder was if I was going to go home and find her dead or alive.

I got home and she was in her room. I could tell she had been crying. I asked if she wanted to talk and she said she wasn’t ready. That evening she went to visit her oldest brother and his family. She said she needed the distraction. She ate dinner with them and got ice cream. When they brought her home she looked exhausted, sad and just awful. Before she went to bed I asked if she was ready to talk about what was going on. Again she said she needed some time to think. I was okay with that, I knew from past experience if I pushed her to hard she would completely shut down.

Friday was another work day for me and my husband. I checked in with her throughout the day. She told me she was sad and didn’t feel like getting out of bed. Eventually she did get out of bed and showered. I got home from work and checked in on her. I told her we were thinking of going out to a local restaurant for dinner and asked if she wanted to go or we could do something else. She said she wanted to go and would get ready.

I waited downstairs for her and when she came down we made some small talk and then I asked her what was going on. She said she didn’t know what was happening with drippy and that he might come to talk to her later that evening. I took the opening to ask her if she really thought this was a healthy relationship, asked how much they fight and argue, and a boatload of other questions. She was open and I think honest with me. She told me she felt physically ready to leave him but not mentally. I told her I feel she doesn’t want to stay at home because we would make her live in reality and deal with her Borderline Personality Disorder (BDP) and when she is with drippy she can live in a fantasy world where no one makes her be responsible. She didn’t disagree. I asked her what she thought about the message he sent me regarding the Christmas presents. She always becomes defensive of drippy. I was very honest and told her that I don’t think I could ever get past what he has said to me and other members of the family and there was no way I would allow him to be around my granddaughter. I asked her if she was okay with his comment them getting married and having kids and never letting me see the kids because I’m such a terrible person. She didn’t have a response to that. There were many other comments made about therapy and getting a job. I can’t express in words how heartbreaking it was to hear her say she just doesn’t care enough to get the help she needs. She doesn’t want to be here and wishes we (meaning the family) would just hate her because it would make leaving the world easier for her. The hopelessness she expressed was simply heartbreaking. She told me she thinks about not being alive every day. She was in tears, so was I. I ended the conversation telling her we would never not care or not love her and all we wanted was for her to be mentally and physically healthy.

We did end up going out for dinner. I think we both needed the distraction. My middle son and his wife joined us, as did two close family friends. We sat and ate and chatted. At one point my girl said she would like to go home, she was feeling anxious and needed to get away from the noise and commotion. I was okay with that since the place we were at is about three minutes from our house. My husband took her home and then came back to the restaurant. After about 20 minutes I got a message from my girl telling me that drippy was coming to get her. I told her I didn’t understand why she was going to leave with him and she said she needed to talk to him. The cameras alerted us when he picked her up and she left with two bags of clothing.

My girl came home Saturday evening, again to shower. We had friends over that hadn’t seen her in about a year. They were shocked how skinny and pale she looked. As soon as she came in I could tell she was stoned. And she didn’t stick around to chat. She showered, came down and talked for about 5 minutes, took some food and left with drippy.

Any hope we had that we would be able to get her the help she needed is gone, again. She promised me she would call about therapy on Monday, but I have heard that many times. My heart is heavy and my fear is off the charts. It’s just a matter of time before something happens to her. I have nightmares about answering the door and seeing police officers that came to tell me she is dead. I fear she will be at a very low place and do something to herself and drippy will never tell us. She is slipping farther and farther away and I am terrified.

Monday morning and I’m still confused…

(SIGH) – It was a long weekend. I can’t believe I am saying that. Typically, the weekends fly by at lightning speed. As a bit of an update, my mom ended up back in the hospital in FL having emergency surgery, I believe that was Tuesday. When she was admitted for this time her intestines were close to bursting and she had to be cut open the old fashioned way. Laparoscopic surgery wasn’t an option. Scary shit. She still has the NG tube, which is still pumping out grossness. The epidural that was placed for surgery caused her right foot to become completely numb, making any type of walking an extreme hazard. No clue when she will be released from the hospital and then how long it will take her to feel strong enough for a flight to PA.

Visited my grandmother on Friday. She is hanging in there. I honestly can’t say enough about hospice and the care they provide. She is, of course, worried about my mom (her daughter). I have this awful feeling of guilt after visiting with her. She kept asking what the family is doing for Thanksgiving. I am the one who has been having the holidays at my house. I would be the one to have Thanksgiving. At this point I highly doubt my mom and step-dad will be home. My sister and brother-in-law are in FL for the winter. I still haven’t talked to my kids about what is happening with their in-laws. Oh, girl child did tell me a few weeks ago she has to work on Thanksgiving. My grandmother now gets morphine every 4 hours around the clock, is on oxygen (at a very high rate) 24/7, has to use a wheelchair to travel further than 4-5 feet or she is so out of breath it takes a very long time for her to recover. She feels I would be able to handle all of that and her wheelchair will fit through my standard household doors (head drops into my hands). I think she feels it will be the last time out of the nursing home. I get that, BUT………………..

Received a message from girl child early Friday asking what we were doing for dinner and would we be around Friday night. I replied I wasn’t sure yet, but we always get food. Friday is typically our eat out day. She said she would be home to eat and sleep and asked if I would help her dye her hair. I was looking forward to seeing her and pretending for just a little that things were “normal.” Sent her a message around 4:30PM asking when she would be home and got the response, “NVM, I’m sorry.” Followed by a message letting me know she might be home around 7PM to shower and I could save her food….my response to her was “will you ever be allowed to be here”. Her answer “I’ll be home for the night like 5:30 6ish for the night, probably.” I have been on the receiving side of many messages ending with “probably” from my girl. That means whatever she is talking about isn’t going to happen. So, we ordered from a local Italian shop. We had a few sandwiches and pizza. She walks in and asks what I got for her. Told her nothing since I had no idea if she was actually going to be home, but we ordered more than enough. Of course the attitude came out. No, no she wasn’t going to eat our food. OMFG. Whatever. She takes a shower, comes back downstairs and does eat our food. She starts doing some wash while we are just hanging out watching TV. I was honestly beat from the day and headed to bed to read. I fell asleep reading. Wake up the next morning and check the cameras. I love to see the cats that set the camera off every night. I was shocked to see my girl leaving the house around 9:30 PM. WOW. It just cut me to my core. Sent her a message saying I don’t think I will ever understand what is happening with her. No response.

I feel horrible for saying this, but at this point I wish she would just stay away or officially move out. Not this back and forth bullshit. It just tears me apart every time. I get to a point where I think I’m handling shit and then BOOM – she’s back and I’m hopeful. I think she is completely controlled by drippy dick. I think it is now a game. He wants us to tell her she has to go. He wants us to be the bad guys. He wants to be her savior. I’m closer to letting her go than I was a few months ago, but I’m just not there yet.

On a side note. The cat that she had to have a few years ago and we allowed her to have, pissed on my sofa. The cat isn’t getting the attention she deserves and she is not happy. This cat was her emotional support animal. She was attached to this cat in a way I can’t explain. When she left I told her she needs to make arrangements for the cat or take her. I have more than enough to take care of. I was told she was trying to find someone to take her. So, I found someone to take her. A very good home, someone I know would love and take care of her the way she deserves. Well holy hell, you would have thought I took the cat outback and shot it. I got such a guilt trip about how I’m not giving my girl time to get her stuff together, that cat means the world to her, if it wasn’t for the cat she would be dead, that cat is like a child to her. Well then, girl child, you abandoned your child to live with drippy dick and work for a shipping company. The cat is still in my house, but now has to stay in her room. Won’t be long until the room is destroyed. (SIGH)

Oh, I did something yesterday that I can’t believe I did! I have tattoos. Like a decent amount. Most visible tattoos are very small, two small wrist ones, small ankle ones, one on the back of my neck I hate and want to get removed. Anyway, point being I have never gotten anything sizable on an area that is highly visible. I did yesterday. Left inner forearm for my grandbaby. I love it. I am hoping I have the balls to continue as I would love to have a full sleeve on my left arm…….time will tell!

Some days I amaze myself

Today I am amazed at how fucking stupid I am. I feel like my world has been stuck in a tornado for the last year. Occasionally, I get to experience the eye of the storm and feel a bit of calm; mostly it’s just the wind spinning me in circles.

When I woke up this morning I made a promise to myself to be stronger, put the girl child out of my mind and get some shit accomplished. I made a list. Not a long list, but still a list. There were five items on my list, I have crossed out three. I’m feeling accomplished. And then I amazed myself…

I had this fabulous idea to make a family calendar for Christmas presents. I would put everyone’s birthdays, anniversaries, special family moments, etc on the calendar. Each month would have family pictures of the person(s) who have birthdays that month to remind us of special times we have shared. I typically have to remind my “adult” kids of relatives birthdays, etc. So a calendar would be perfect – right? I decided to start saving pictures for the calendar. I told myself that I would get an early start, feel really great about what I accomplished and try to relieve some of that pre-Christmas stress.

The sadness hit like a fucking train. Pictures. My girl is in the pictures, so many of the pictures. Will I have more pictures to cherish with her or has that come to an end? Will I get to celebrate the holiday’s with her, her birthday, Mother’s Day? And again, I am caught up in the tornado. My emotions are everywhere. I am hurt, sad, angry, confused…….How fucking dumb am I not to realize before I started that my girl would be in the pictures?

I experienced my two sons leaving home and I did okay. Of course I was sad and missed them. But I was also very happy for them. They found the person that makes them happy and are starting their own families. It’s wonderful to sit back and watch them grow and feel proud about what they are accomplishing. I want to experience that with my girl. I want to be happy she left home and is finding her way, but the circumstances are so insanely different. How can I be happy she is living in a shit-hole city with a hood rat? I want to respect and accept her decision; I can’t. I am terrified for her life. I guess I’m just not there yet. Will I ever get there? I don’t know.

People suggest as parents we should go and talk to a professional about the situation. Okay, I totally agree with that. Tell me how to find one? The professionals that deal with BPD are few and far between, that I know for a fact. They don’t provide therapy for only relatives of BPD patients; they provide therapy for families, which would includes the BPD patient. Our BPD patient has refused therapy. I have talked to other therapists/psychologists for recommendations. No one feels comfortable giving me recommendations because BPD is so……………what word can I use….intricate? Each person BPD patient has some similarities, but also has their own way of thinking/dealing. That is why therapy for families is suggested, but the BPD patient is a crucial element in that therapy.

I HATE FEELING THIS WAY.

I am lost

My rock

It has now been a little over two weeks since my girl has been home. She stopped home this weekend, after we were in bed. She took a shower, got more clothing and left. Our security cameras caught her coming and going. I am trying so hard to make each day a normal day. But I can’t. As I am planning my days, whether it is what to make for dinner, a trip to the store or dinner out with friends. My first thought is her. Will she like what I’m planning for dinner, does she need her lactose free milk, would she want to go along to eat or maybe we will bring something home for her. But she isn’t home anymore and I have not been able to wrap my brain around that. My thoughts are consumed with her.

I had some communication with her this weekend. She told me she got a job through an employment agency with a shipping company. She will work four, 10 hour days. She hasn’t worked longer than two weeks at a stretch as a part-time employee. She told me that she is very safe and doing really well. Her anxiety is basically gone and she is dealing with her anger issues. How did I interpret this? “Living at home with you and dad was my problem. I am fine now that I am away from you. I don’t need help with my BPD. I am normal now.” My fear is the time will come and the bubble will burst on her new wonderful life. The chaos that comes with BPD will rear it’s ugly head. I am scared when that starts to happen.

As we move through our daily lives pretending the world is a wonderful place, I would be lost without my rock. He is a man of few words. Where I am an extrovert, he is an introvert. We balance each other fairly well. Through this hell I have sobbed and slobbered on his shoulders, arms and pillow. He stood by my side when I needed a drink or 12 to help me forget. He loves his family fiercely and would stop at nothing to protect us. I would be lost without him. He is my husband, my lover, my very best friend and the love of my life. I would be a wreck without him. I hope that we can soon learn to live without constant fear and worry.