Nighttime thoughts

A few years ago I read an article about sleep. It had some tips/tricks to try when you can’t fall asleep. There is only one thing I remember and actually use from that article. When you are nice and comfy in bed, close your eyes and starting at the tip top of your head tell your body to relax. You work your way down, forehead, eyebrows, eyes, nose, all the way down to your feet. It really does work. Sometimes I have to do it a few times, but I eventually feel my body relax.

Last night as I was on my third or fourth round of trying to relax my body when my brain interrupted. I was starting at the top of my head and my brain clicked on. Suddenly, instead of relaxing each part of my body I was critiquing each part of my body.

Top of my head/hair – thinning hair/gray hair. Solution: get plugs and weekly trips to the salon.

Forehead – wrinkles. Solution: Botox

Eyebrows – I’m actually good with my brows

Eyes – droopy lashes & crows feet. Solution: eyelash extensions and Botox

Nose – no change needed, in my opinion

Cheeks – starting to sag. Solution: facelift (this will also help the jowls, so it’s two for two!)

Lip – I’m OK with my lips at this point. Maybe a little Botox in the laugh line area.

Chin – eh, the chin is fine.

Neck – Christ, where do I start. Just a total do-over. That shit needs to be tightened and pulled where ever possible.

Shoulders – significant slouching from years of carrying a heavy load. Solution: there is no solution, the heavy load will be with me for the rest of my life. Besides, if I throw my shoulders back it looks like I’m flaunty my saggy boobs.

Upper arms – flabby and gross. Solution: a nice nip/tuck will fix that up in a jiffy.

Boobs – similar to two unevenly deflated balloons. Solution: new boobs – easy peasy

Forearms – I mean they’re just forearms…….

Hands – look old and wrinkled. Solution: I think I can get fat injected in my hands so they look young and plump.

Mid-section – (insert vomit noise) Solution: nothing a little lipo and full body tuck wouldn’t fix.

Buttock – (insert second vomit noise) Solution: the full body tuck should help my saggy bottom, but maybe a Brazilian Butt lift for the win!

Lady bits – ummmmm, I mean yes, they have been through years of use and childbirth. Solution: fairly certain there is a vaginal tightening process as well as a procedure to make everything look “aesthetically pleasing”. I might as well go for it.

Thighs – I will say I have strong legs, however would kill for that oh so sexy thigh gap. Solution: I think some lipo and an inner thigh lift should do nicely.

Calves – I’m honestly OK with my calves.

Feet – I like my feet.

So, after all that I couldn’t sleep. I had laid out all my flaws and had no fixes for them. I reminded myself of all my insecurities. There they were playing over and over again in my head. Why? Why do I do this to myself? I have no answer.

When it was finally time to get out of bed and start the day, part of my routine is music. I LOVE MUSIC. Morning shower music is the best. As I’m standing under the hot water, thoughts still swirling from the night before, a song comes on that made me go hmmmmmmmmmm. Is it a coincidence or is the universe trying to tell me something. What song was it you ask…..Love me by Katy Perry

I lost myself in fear of losing you
I wish I didn’t do
But I did
I lost my own, my own identity
Forgot that you picked me for me

But now, I don’t negotiate with insecurities
They always seem to get the best of me
I found the head to love myself, the way I want you to

Love me, no more second guessing
No, there’s no more questioning
I’ll be the one to find who I’m gonna be
No concealing feelings, or changing seasonally
I’m gonna love myself, the way I want you to love me
Sometimes I wish my skin was a costume

That I could just unzip, and strip
But who I am is who I’m meant to be
And it’s who you are in love, in love with
So now, I don’t negotiate with insecurities

They come and have to take a backseat
I know I have to let myself the way I want you to
Love me, no more second guessing

No, there’s no more questioning
I’ll be the one to find who I’m gonna be
No concealing feelings, or changing seasonally
I’m gonna love myself, the way I want you to love me
No more standing in my own way
(Let’s get deeper, let’s get closer)

No more standing in my own way
(I want you to love me)
No more standing in my own way
(Let’s get deeper, let’s get closer)
No more standing in my own way
(I want you to love me)
Love me, no more second guessing
No, there’s no more questioning

I’ll be the one to find who I’m gonna be
No concealing feelings, or changing seasonally
I’m gonna love myself, the way I want you to love me
Love me, no more second guessing
No, there’s no more questioning
I’ll be the one to find who I’m gonna be
No concealing feelings, or changing seasonally
I’m gonna love myself, the way I want you to love me

Moral of the song? I’m gonna love myself, the way I want you to love me. At least I’m gonna try.