Dear dickhead,

I have to start this by telling you that I will never forgive you for what you did to me and what you put me through.  You are a selfish ass.  You needed and wanted to make yourself feel……worthy?  And you did it by destroying me, bit by bit. 

I don’t know how many times you told me that you remembered what I was wearing the first day I started work.  Seriously?  I was fucking 19 years old and you were what in your 30’s?  Does that seem normal to you in anyway? 

You used my friendship and my family’s friendship against me.  You made me feel like you were a friend.  You hated when I compared you to an uncle.  Why?  Because you wanted a sexual relationship with me and that, dickhead, was never going to happen. 

You used the fact that I was an open and talkative person against me.  I talked about music, books, life, at the lunch table with everyone else.  If I mentioned a song I liked, you assumed it was about you.  I LOVED Melissa Ethridge – LOVED her music.  Now I can’t listen to it.  You used it against me. 

What gave you the right to profess your feelings to me?  What gave you the right to give me gifts?  What gave you the right to do and say things in front of others to make them wonder if all the rumors were true?  You loved making people think there was something between us.  You would stalk my office if someone was in talking to me or laughing with me.  You would take days off when I took days off, I found that out much later.  You drove around my walking route.  Seriously?  How fucked up is that? 

I kept my fat suit on for a very long time because of you.  I didn’t want your attention.  I didn’t ask for your attention. 

Your actions made me feel small and pathetic.  I didn’t do what I wanted to with my career.  I had lots of ideas.  I am smart, people looked up to me.  I lead committees and meetings.  You destroyed that for me. 

Do you remember when you showed up at my house to “apologize” for all the shit you did to me?  I was on maternity leave with my girl.  My step-dad talked to you, again, about leaving me alone.  The first time you showed up I hid on the floor.  Did you know that?  But you couldn’t stop.  You called my step-dad and complained that I wouldn’t talk to you.  My step-dad called me and asked me to at least hear you out.  You showed up the next day at my house.  You never apologized, you used excuses to make what you did seem OK.  I believe it was that your dad died young due to heart issues and you had heart issues, your dad had dreams and things he wanted to do but died before he could do them.  You told me you didn’t want any regrets and you wanted me and you didn’t want to die or regret not trying.  How many times did I tell you no?  How many times did I ignore you?   So, because you were a selfish asshole – you destroyed me. And what is worse is that I let you.

I have never truly found myself.  I have never truly been happy with myself.  I sabotage all my personal relationships because I feel unworthy.  You made me feel………..dirty.  You made me feel that I was doing something to make you act this way.  I thought I was the one that was fucked up and wrong – I still do!  You made me doubt anything I ever said out loud.  You made me stop sharing a huge part of me.  You made my work life hell.  You made my home life hell. 

Fuck you, dickhead. You don’t deserve my time or energy anymore.  I have invested way too much into what you did to me.  I’m done wasting my time and energy on you.

Author: howdoilifeweb

Late 40's, wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend.

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