It’s been forever since I have had the urge to sit down and write. I get ideas all the time and want to sit and spill my guts, but then I just kinda fade. I want to write, but why bother? Maybe it helps me verbalize and all that. Maybe it makes me take an honest look at my world. I think that’s the thing I miss most. I can be completely open and honest when I write. My true feelings come out, the real and true me comes out. The one that I have to keep packed down. Heaven forbid I speak my mind and have an opinion, right?
Let’s catch up. Since I last poured my heart out, a lot has changed. I left a job where I worked for 32 years. Yes, 32 fucking years. It was the right thing to do. I did have a new job prior to leaving and no, I didn’t retire. I wish that were the case. But at the ripe old age of 51, that’s just not an option. I hate my new job. Well, not really the job itself. The work is fine. I just wish I would have known I would be more of a personal assistant than an executive assistant. So, I am on the search again. I just wish I knew what I was searching for.
I have a new grandbaby. A baby boy born on August 30th. He is healthy and wonderful. That makes three grandkids. They really are so incredibly special to me. They are each their own person and I will be forever grateful that I get to be part of their worlds.
I have also decided to let my hair go au natural. I am going to (try) and embrace the gray. Not sure how long I will last. Probably until my mother tells me it makes me look older, not that she would ever do that……
I have, apparently, also decided to let my weight go to whatever number it wants. I hate, like hate myself for what I am again becoming. There is no one to blame but me. I know what to do, what not to do, I just don’t want to. I honestly don’t care. Food is comfort, food is my valium. Why do I do this to myself? I’m like the token fat friend everyone needs. There is always a place for a fat girl. Makes everyone feel better about themselves. That’s not true, that’s what I tell myself. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I managed to almost fuck up my marriage. Not sure why I was given another chance, but I was. I still feel the change that occurred between us. I think he does, too. He just doesn’t like to admit it. I know I will never be able to turn back the clock or fix all the hurt.
What else happened……major water leak in my house in July, house is still a construction site, my car got rear-ended and totaled, had to put one of our dogs to sleep, my girl is still a mess – I think I have just become numb to it at this point.
So, basically things are going really well right now.