Catching up

It’s been forever since I have had the urge to sit down and write.  I get ideas all the time and want to sit and spill my guts, but then I just kinda fade.  I want to write, but why bother?  Maybe it helps me verbalize and all that.  Maybe it makes me take an honest look at my world.  I think that’s the thing I miss most.  I can be completely open and honest when I write.  My true feelings come out, the real and true me comes out.  The one that I have to keep packed down. Heaven forbid I speak my mind and have an opinion, right?

Let’s catch up.  Since I last poured my heart out, a lot has changed.  I left a job where I worked for 32 years.  Yes, 32 fucking years.  It was the right thing to do.  I did have a new job prior to leaving and no, I didn’t retire.  I wish that were the case.  But at the ripe old age of 51, that’s just not an option.  I hate my new job.  Well, not really the job itself.  The work is fine.  I just wish I would have known I would be more of a personal assistant than an executive assistant.  So, I am on the search again.  I just wish I knew what I was searching for.

I have a new grandbaby.  A baby boy born on August 30th. He is healthy and wonderful.  That makes three grandkids.  They really are so incredibly special to me.  They are each their own person and I will be forever grateful that I get to be part of their worlds.  

I have also decided to let my hair go au natural.  I am going to (try) and embrace the gray.  Not sure how long I will last.  Probably until my mother tells me it makes me look older, not that she would ever do that……

I have, apparently, also decided to let my weight go to whatever number it wants.  I hate, like hate myself for what I am again becoming.  There is no one to blame but me.  I know what to do, what not to do, I just don’t want to.  I honestly don’t care.  Food is comfort, food is my valium.  Why do I do this to myself?  I’m like the token fat friend everyone needs.  There is always a place for a fat girl.  Makes everyone feel better about themselves.  That’s not true, that’s what I tell myself.  UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I managed to almost fuck up my marriage.  Not sure why I was given another chance, but I was.  I still feel the change that occurred between us.  I think he does, too.  He just doesn’t like to admit it.  I know I will never be able to turn back the clock or fix all the hurt.  

What else happened……major water leak in my house in July, house is still a construction site, my car got rear-ended and totaled, had to put one of our dogs to sleep, my girl is still a mess – I think I have just become numb to it at this point.  

So, basically things are going really well right now.