Silent Tears

The tears that soak my pillow at night, or mix with the water in the shower, or the ones that roll down my cheeks when I’m driving or suddenly spring from my eyes when I’m sitting at work; those are the silent tears.

I don’t want to care. 

I don’t want to feel.

I don’t want to ache.

I don’t want to cry.

I try so hard not to care, not to feel, not to ache, not to cry – ever.  Crying only makes it hurt more. And there is never a hug, never a shoulder offered, never a pat on the back.  There is just………. nothing.  Nothing but silence.  I wish feeling like nothing to them wouldn’t hurt.  It would be so much easier. 

I don’t know what else to do, what else to say, what else to give.  I walk on the eggshells that I placed in my own path. I punish myself more than any God or person ever could for my failings and my sins. 

I continue to give all of me away to them and they don’t even realize it. I wish they knew how hard I try, how fucking hard I try  

I feel the rage in me. It scares me. The rage is worse after the silent tears. It screams to be released.  It claws at my throat. I push it down.  I am scared what will happen if it gets out.  I’m scared for me. I’m scared for them. 

I will continue to cry my silent tears, but what happens when there are no more tears to cry?