The other side of depression for me, the mom of a very depressed daughter, is frustration. I hate admitting it, I hate feeling it, but it’s my reality. I feel guilty and selfish for even thinking it.
Last night during one of my sleepless nights, I started thinking about all the things I need to accomplish before my daughter leaves for school in September, making the mental check-lists we all make and then completely forget by morning! While all these lists are swirling around in my brain, there is this tiny voice that keeps interrupting. That tiny voice starts saying – but what if. But what if she can’t handle school, but what if she hurts herself at school, but what if she feels lost and alone, but what if someone takes advantage of her desperate want of a relationship, but what if………..it just goes on and on and on.
I realized that not only has this horrible mental illness stripped my daughter of so many of the joys of growing up, but it also denies me of my daughter almost every day and that just pisses me off! Why didn’t we get to experience shopping for homecoming dresses, prom dresses, first date outfits? Why – because her mind tells her she isn’t good enough to find a date, no one wants to be around her, no one likes her, she isn’t skinny enough, pretty enough, tall enough, smart enough. The endless list of self loathing comments that float in her brain every second. What happens when I’m not there to tell her she is perfect just the way she is? Will she hear my voice in her head? Will she remember all the conversations we have had about putting her needs first? Will she stop and think before she does something that she can’t undo?
UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH – I make about a million wishes a day. I wish I could take it away, I wish I could fix “it”, I wish she was happy, I wish she realized how beautiful she is, I wish she could see what I see when I look at her, I wish she believed in herself, I wish, I wish, I wish.
I need to believe I have done my absolute best for her. I need to believe she will survive. I need to believe she will reach out to me or someone when she is feeling lost. I need to believe she will be okay. I need to believe.
I need to let go of the anger. I need to let go of the resentment. I need to let go of the fear. I need to let go of the worry. I need to let go, even if it’s just letting go a little bit at a time. I am trying.