I am sad today. Like down to my bones sad. No one wants to read the same old stuff about my girl child, cause it doesn’t change. Each day I try to be “normal” – whatever the fuck that means.
A piece of my heart is missing. People tell me I need to “stop thinking about it” or “just get over it” or “stop thinking about her”. It’s very easy to say that, not as easy to do that.
Last Sunday, my dinner table was full and I loved it. Both my sons and their girlfriend/wife were there, and of course my granddaughter. I love having the chaos and noise that comes with my boys. I do my best to be present when they are with me……..but I can’t help but be sad that my girl isn’t there. I know it’s her choice not to be there. But it’s not her choice to have the fucked up thoughts in her head telling her we don’t want her around. I feel like people think I am making excuses for my girl and her behavior, and maybe I am. I try VERY hard to keep fact and fiction separate. The fact is she has a severe mental health issue. The fact is she has been professionally diagnosed. The fact is Borderline Personality Disorder is the hardest psychiatric disorder to treat. The fact is she didn’t ask to have this disorder. The fact is her thought process is completely fucked up.
I have made the decision that I will always love my girl and I will always hate the disorder. I have to keep the two separate, no matter what.
Yes, I need a hug. I need arms around me. I need to hear I am understood. I need a warm, soft place to rest my head and cry for my girl and the piece of my heart that is missing.