There are too many decisions that I need to make. Too many people, places and things that I feel ultimately responsible for. I feel like I know where I want to be, I just don’t know how to get there. And if I get there, is that really where I will want to be?
Decisions about my daughter. Do I finally kick her out? Do I send the boyfriend a trespass letter? Why did she let him in my home? She was told multiple times he is not allowed in my home. She will say he was only in the garage. It doesn’t matter. It is still my house. Will my decision blow up her world and the trickle down will blow up my world? A decision I do not want to make alone, but I am being forced to make alone. Will I find her with an open scissors against her arm, again? Will I hear yet another screaming phone call while she fights with the boyfriend, but then go to church with his mom? So much I just can’t understand. I want to understand, but I can’t. I want to help, but I can’t. I want and need to make the right decision. I won’t.
Decisions about my job. Do I leave a 32 year job? Do I take the pay cut for my own mental health and sanity? Am I tired of being a “convenience” for everyone I work with? I feel I am just paid to sit and be convenient for others. I smile, I laugh, I entertain. Why? What am I getting out of it? Am I growing as an employee? No, because I am not allowed to grow. I am not allowed to think unless someone needs me to think. What will the pay cut mean to my family? Will he help me make this decision? No, he won’t. I will hear the same answer from him, I don’t know.
Really? Guess what? I don’t fucking know either. I don’t want to make the decisions anymore. I don’t want to feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I don’t want to be used as everyone’s punching bag. I don’t want to be a convenience.
I want to be numb, even for a little while. I want to be truly happy, even for a little while. I want to be taken care of, even for a little while. I want to be heard, even for a little while. I want to be truly loved, even for a little while.
So, is this the beginning of the end or the start of the beginning……