Blah – pretty much explains how I am currently feeling with life itself. I imagine lots of people are feeling this way. Life as we know it has been changed. Will it be an indefinite change? We don’t know. I’m not sure if it’s the current “mood” of the virus situation or it’s just me being me, but I have definitely been doing quite a bit of thinking. Some days that is good, some days that is bad.
I have finally accepted that my daily work is doing nothing for my personal self. I am not being enhanced or enriched. I am not challenging myself, I am not learning new things. I am being paid too much to do what I do. I am not giving back, I am not making a difference. I will never move up the ladder because there is no ladder and if there was a ladder I would be trying desperately not to fall off the bottom rung into a big pile of shit. Technology changes and other upgrades have basically made my job obsolete. That’s a hard fact to swallow. It makes me sad and depressed to think I have wasted 30 years of my life. Things have happened in my work place over the last 30 years that have changed me, deeply changed me. I never truly admitted how much they affected me until recently. That pisses me off. I allowed these events to make me feel worthless and hopeless. I allowed them to change me and my view of myself. I still don’t know what I need to do to change that. I don’t know if I have the courage, strength and resolve to fight for myself and what is right. I do know that before I can move forward, I have to figure this out. I’m just not sure how to do that.
My husband, my love, my everything. I can’t explain the feeling watching him interact with our grand-baby. It is beautiful. He is so completely in love with our little bug. I can’t wait for October when our next grand-baby joins the family. Unfortunately, I feel like I am pushing my love away and I don’t want to do that. Without him I would be lost. He grounds me, he makes me whole. I have once again retreated into my shell. I know when this is happening, and I just can’t stop myself. I hate it. I think about him more than he can imagine. I miss him more than I can describe. I miss us. He knows when it’s happening, he sees it and feels it. He does all he can to pull me back to him.
I think I have to stop now. This has made my mind tired and sad.