torn

At times I feel I have spent my life helping and pleasing others. Being someone others want me to be, not who I want to be or who I am. Why am I not allowed to be who I want to be? Why? Why was I raised to believe that everyone comes before me? Why? I am now old enough, and perhaps wise enough to know and to see it came from my mom. She was so unhappy in her life, she was constantly doing things to please others. She will say she enjoyed it, that she wanted to – but did she? Did she always want to put others first? Did she always want to do what made others happy? Was she ever happy, is she happy?

Please, DO NOT get me wrong. I will never regret having my kids, raising them the best way I could, and giving them all my love, attention and energy. I loved celebrating each accomplishment with them and always will. I loved them when they struggled with failure and always will. I may not always like them, but I will always love them. Yes, I know that’s such a cliché, but it’s the truth.

Now, back to me (wink, wink). Has anyone really figured out what they want out of life, what makes them happy? Are we on a constant search? Do we just settle with what might be convenient, or easy or comfortable?

I’m tired of being comfortable and predictable. I want to be uncomfortable and unpredictable to allow myself to grow and to feel more intensely. Is that wrong? What does it mean? Does it mean I’m a total asshole for feeling that way?

Am I the only one who thinks about just walking away? Could I just walk away? Who would I miss, what would I miss? Do I need to walk away to realize who I am meant to be, to realize what I want and what I don’t want? Where would I go? What would I do? How far could I go before…………………….before they realized I was gone? Would it matter that I am gone? Or would it matter more that I am not present and not doing for them, that I inconvenienced them by leaving. Am I just a convenience at this point? Always there, always giving, never asking for much, in my opinion.

When I love, I love fiercely. When I give myself, I give all of me. Am I being loved fiercely in return? Am I getting all of you?

Is it wrong to wonder if this is it? Is it wrong to want to experience more in my life?

When does someone start taking care of me, because they want to and not because they have to? Is that selfish?

I sound like a seriously whiny bitch and I honestly feel like that, so I’m good with it.