I’m confused. I’m torn. I’m trying. I’m failing.
My girl moved out (again), yesterday. She was home for 6 days. She caused disruption, angst, turmoil, and a flood of emotions I can’t begin to describe. I say she caused it. That makes me feel guilty. Did she cause it or did her disorder cause it? Or is it both? How do I separate that? How do I separate her from her disorder? Can I separate it? As much as I tell her that she can’t let her disorder define her; I feel like that is what I am doing.
When I think of my girl, the first thing I think of, and feel is chaos. I no longer think of my little pink princess. I hate that.
How do I know when I have done enough for her? I don’t think I have. Should I be making appointments for her to psychiatrists and therapists? Should I be picking her up, taking her to appointments, watching her walk inside, waiting in the parking lot until she is finished and then take her back to him? Should I take her to another state? Will distance help? Should I stop working to care for her? How far do I go? How much is enough?
I feel myself breaking a bit more each day. I get annoyed at things I wouldn’t have a year ago. I don’t like it. I drink too much, and I eat too much. Why am I so weak? Why can’t I get a grip and control both? I need to feel in control of something. With everything else that is happening around me, why do I sabotage myself by doing things that I know are not healthy for me? Yes, the drinking makes me forget for a bit; makes me fake happy, makes it easier to pretend I’m okay. The food is my comfort, as fucked up as that is.
I’m not okay.
I AM NOT OKAY, but my girl is worse.