Decision made

I think I have finally decided.  I finally decided I will eat myself to death.  Sound good?  Questions, comments, or concerns?  Why, you ask, would I even consider doing this?  Why not?!  I can consume all the awful, horrible things that this world has so lovingly created and that will cause havoc inside my body.  At some point the body will not be able to handle it and I will hopefully just go peacefully.  Even if I end up at an ER, I will have my DNR strapped around my neck and tattooed various places on my body, so everyone knows – DO NOT RESUCITATE.  But it can’t be that simple, right? I know it, you know it.  Jesus, why is keeping my mouth shut so fucking hard?  I just can’t stop it.  Open mouth, insert food.  Step on scale, swear and call myself names.  Fat ass being my favorite. 

What happened to me?  Why did I exit the weight loss surgery highway and start following the food truck path?  I sit here feeling like an overstuffed sausage link just waiting for the casing to split.  It’s fucking miserable, but I don’t stop. 

Is it stress?  Oh, absofuckinglutely it’s stress.  What about self-control?  Yep, total lack of self-control.  Do I feel shame for doing this?  The shame is mortifying, but it doesn’t make me stop.  What about guilt?  Guilt is what makes my world spin.  Of course, I feel guilty.  Guilty for disappointing people, guilty for embarrassing people, guilty for every fucking thing I have done wrong in my life.  And now, now it’s just out of control.  We all know control is an illusion, right?  But I want to live in that illusion of control.  I want to control the hand to mouth movement.  No, I want to be in control of my life. 

And, BOOM.  There it is.  It always comes out eventually.  The reason I mean.  I have no control over any aspect of my life.  None.  Nada.  Zip.  Zilch.  For all the people that are in my world, everyone has a different opinion of what my life should be like, look like.  And all I can do is shut down the feels and eat.  Cause if I’m gonna disappoint everyone, I might as well go big. Get it, go big…………….

Author: howdoilifeweb

Late 40's, wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend.

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