I had no idea it was International Women’s Day. I had no idea there was an International Women’s Day. My first failure as a woman. Not my only failure and certainly not my last failure.
How should I feel on IWD? Empowered? Uplifted? Kick ass? Take on the world? I don’t feel any of those things. And that’s no one’s fault except my own. I TOTALLY own that. I actually feel similar to that of a beached whale. Bloated, sloshy, swollen, poke me with a stick and I will ooze grossness. Others are staring at me, seeing what I’m feeling; I know they are. Like the little old lady in Sixteen Candles; making squishing noises as I walk.
I completely do it to myself. I talk to myself all the time. Make the right choices. I know what the right choices are. I don’t always make bad choices, but we always focus on the negative, right? I ate a small bag of Goldfish. I shall now perish in the flames of hell and feel like a fat cow the rest of the day. But I promise myself to do better tomorrow. But why should I do better tomorrow if I already failed today. I know I’m just going to fail again tomorrow. Might as well just say fuck it now and roll in a tub of Crisco and order some muumuu dresses right now for the upcoming spring and summer. No reason to try to change, nothing ever changes anyway.
I want to say nice things to myself. I try to. I fail at that, too. I don’t have those tools in my toolbox. I love helping others feel good about themselves and try to raise others up. That makes me feel good. Knowing I might have helped brighten someone’s day, even for just a brief second. Why can’t I do that for me? Wait! I know this one! Because I hate myself and I know I’m not worth it. It takes much more time and effort to be happy and positive.
I want to feel empowered; I need to feel empowered. I want to feel uplifted; I need to feel uplifted. I want to feel kick ass; I need to feel kick ass. I want to take on the world; I need to take on the world. So why the fuck do I let my size dictate that? GODDAMN IT.
Can I make the necessary changes as I am about the enter my 52nd year in this world? I can, but will I? Can I make me a priority? I can, but will I? I must at least try. I need to make a promise to myself to try.