International Women’s Day

I had no idea it was International Women’s Day.  I had no idea there was an International Women’s Day.    My first failure as a woman.  Not my only failure and certainly not my last failure.  

How should I feel on IWD?  Empowered?  Uplifted?  Kick ass?  Take on the world?  I don’t feel any of those things.  And that’s no one’s fault except my own.  I TOTALLY own that.  I actually feel similar to that of a beached whale.  Bloated, sloshy, swollen, poke me with a stick and I will ooze grossness.  Others are staring at me, seeing what I’m feeling; I know they are.  Like the little old lady in Sixteen Candles; making squishing noises as I walk.  

I completely do it to myself.  I talk to myself all the time.  Make the right choices.  I know what the right choices are.  I don’t always make bad choices, but we always focus on the negative, right?  I ate a small bag of Goldfish.  I shall now perish in the flames of hell and feel like a fat cow the rest of the day.  But I promise myself to do better tomorrow.  But why should I do better tomorrow if I already failed today.  I know I’m just going to fail again tomorrow.  Might as well just say fuck it now and roll in a tub of Crisco and order some muumuu dresses right now for the upcoming spring and summer.  No reason to try to change, nothing ever changes anyway.  

I want to say nice things to myself.  I try to.  I fail at that, too.  I don’t have those tools in my toolbox.  I love helping others feel good about themselves and try to raise others up.  That makes me feel good.  Knowing I might have helped brighten someone’s day, even for just a brief second.  Why can’t I do that for me?  Wait!  I know this one!  Because I hate myself and I know I’m not worth it.  It takes much more time and effort to be happy and positive. 

I want to feel empowered; I need to feel empowered.  I want to feel uplifted; I need to feel uplifted.  I want to feel kick ass; I need to feel kick ass.  I want to take on the world; I need to take on the world.  So why the fuck do I let my size dictate that?  GODDAMN IT.  

Can I make the necessary changes as I am about the enter my 52nd year in this world? I can, but will I? Can I make me a priority? I can, but will I? I must at least try. I need to make a promise to myself to try.

Graduation Season, a time for reflection my ass…

The world is in the midst of graduation season. Kids graduating from pre-school through college. While this is a time for celebration for many families, it creates a world of hurt for me. If you are reading this and we are friends, please do not take offense to what I am saying. I am beyond happy for you and your kids. I love seeing the graduation posts on social media and I appreciate being included as these milestones are celebrated.

Unfortunately, the posts and celebrations makes my heart hurt for what my girl has never experienced and may never experience. My girl graduated from high school last year. I remember asking her how she felt about it, was she excited, etc. She told me she never thought she would be around to graduate and she’s actually surprised. She felt some sense of accomplishment, but even that feeling was clouded with negatives. She could have done better, she should have done better, she could have cared more, she should have cared more…..

This is another one of those times where I can’t help but think if this is what I am feeling, what is she feeling? We all know that social media is not an accurate representation of real life. But that doesn’t mean that seeing post after post of graduation pictures, stories of success and plans for the future isn’t creating another seed of self doubt in kids that are struggling.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I am in no way saying these events should not be celebrated or shared. I’m just saying it makes me sad for what I wish my daughter experienced or may experience. It makes me sad that it seems like every accomplishment is overshadowed by a laundry list of negatives. Negatives that shout far louder and clearer than any positive thought or feeling.