Please excuse me, but these are the ramblings of an old, fat, scatterbrained, wannabe loved woman.
I can say those things about myself. I am old. I can’t say midlife anymore. That would mean I have another 50+ years of living. I’m fairly certain that isn’t the case. I am fat. Society and medicine tell me so. Even when the people who say they love me don’t tell me the truth, I know I am fat. Yes, I am scatterbrained. How can’t I be? Who isn’t these days? A wannabe loved woman. That is also me. This is one of those catch 22’s and probably most of what my ramblings and deep dives will most likely lead back to.
Feels like so many things are just floating around “out there”. My girl is in therapy. At least I think she is. She started May 18th. It is from 8:30 AM to 3:30 PM, five days a week. As far as I know she has gone every day. No real way for me to check since she is over 18 and an “adult”. The last three weekends she has basically been gone from the house starting Friday evening through late Sunday night. I don’t like it. She tells me she is with a friend and ends up spending the weekend. Is she? I don’t know. Is she with drippy dick? I don’t know. Someone suggested putting a tracking device on her car. I honestly did think about that. But, I need to do my best to trust her until she gives me a reason not to trust her, right? If, in the near future, I need to make a decision to kick her out of the house or cut her off, or whatever – it will be because she messed up. I will not spy and/or trick her. Don’t get me wrong. I want to spy, I just feel like I can’t right now. I need to let her go and do her thing, whatever that is.
A very dear friend recently lost her mother (as did my husband). I haven’t talked to or seen my mom since Mother’s Day. It’s such a messed-up relationship. She won’t break down and call me, that would mean she is giving in. And honestly, if/when I call her at this point I will be subjected to guilt. I carry more than enough guilt around. But, what if something happens to her and I haven’t talked to her in over a month? The guilt would be tenfold and would stay with me forever. I can’t understand why she doesn’t see or refuses to see that I do all I can for my family. I work to continue to support my kids and grandkids in things they may need. If I didn’t spend money on kids and grandkids, maybe I could stop working – at least fulltime. She stopped working by now. She stayed home. I’m not 20 anymore. I do get tired, I do have aches and pains, things aren’t always as easy as they used to be. I would like her to understand that. I have tried to tell her. She says I’m just making excuses. She actually sees her great-grandchildren, my grandchildren, more than me. But she still plays the victim. No one calls her, no one stops to see her, etc. I want to be more sympathetic. I just can’t be at this point. As the saying goes, “too much water under the bridge”. I shouldn’t live in the past, but the past made into this old, fat, scatterbrained, wannabe loved woman.
I found another arthritis lump on one of the knuckles of my right middle finger. I found one about 6 months ago on my right pointer finger. My hands now look like my great-grandmothers did. At least what I remember her hands looking like when I was 15 and she was 76. I don’t like it. My face is getting droopy. My neck is gross and hanging, along with every other body part a woman doesn’t want to have hanging. I feel completely unattractive and gross. That’s the plain and simple of it. I like one thing. I like my eyelashes, and those are fake.
Do you ever tire of people saying they wouldn’t know what to they would do without you, that they couldn’t live without you? I do. If you feel that way about me, let me ask you a question. What are you doing with me? What are you doing with me in YOUR life? Where do I fit? Are you more afraid that I would leave and you would have to figure out that I actually did a hell of a lot for you? Are you afraid to lose the comfort and convenience of me being around? Is that fair? I am a comfort and convenience for some of the most important people in my life. At least I feel that way. Old, fat, scatterbrained, wannabe loved woman will always be here. She always comes back, no matter what. You don’t have to reciprocate, you don’t have to show love, you don’t have to talk to her, you don’t have to respect her. Because the old, fat, scatterbrained, wannabe loved woman isn’t worthy of more or better. The old, fat, scatterbrained, wannabe loved woman is reliable, convenient, easy, a doormat for everyone to wipe their dirt on and move on. What happens when the doormat is taken away? What do you do with your dirt? Think about it. The old, fat, scatterbrained, wannabe loved woman wants just that. I wannabe loved for me. Just me. Not because I have become a comfort and a convenience to have around. Show me that love, tell me about that love, tell me why I should stay, don’t make me feel like a doormat or an afterthought.
The old, fat, scatterbrained, wannabe loved woman says, “tag, you’re it.”